Funny Quotes

668: The Neighbor of the Beast.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

All in favour of telekineseis, raise my hands.

A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time - pills or stairs.

A man's reputation depends on what he is, a woman's on what she isn't.

Big Brother is not watching you, you're watching Big Brother, all 181 channels.

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.
~ Samuel Goldwyn

Confucius says: Girl with little red bike peddle ass all over town.

Deepest sympathy on your wedding day.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy five cents.
~ William Coronel

Don't teach your grandmother to suck eggs, she has enough silly tricks.

How can two space ships meeting always face the right way up in Sci-Fi movies?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

I am like a billiard table... I, too, have felt.

I believe in Karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day long and I assume they deserve it.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
~ George Burns

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.

If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

If you drive a car I'll tax the street, If you try to sit I'll tax your seat, If you get too cold I'll tax the heat, If you take a walk I'll tax your feet.

If you had long hair, I would hold it when you were puking too!

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

I'm so creative, that.. er.. hang on...

Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
~ Dave Barry

Learn all the rules... and then break some.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
~ Jerry Seinfeld

Sex is like math: add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply.

Smile, it confuses people.

SMILE: It's the second best thing any human being can do with their lips!

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

Success is like a fart - only your own smells nice.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating.
~ Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

Their fervent but misguided desire was simply to squash your mind to fit their mindset, to smush your patterns of thought into some sort of hyperdimensional flatland. It's a joyless existence, being smushed.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

There is no excuse for spitting in a man's face unless his moustache is on fire.

There's a room in my house that's full of mirrors. Sometimes I go there to reflect.

This is my signature. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

Time's fun when you're having flies.
~ Kermit the Frog

Trust the computer the computer is your friend.

You are never fully dressed without a smile. Can I help put one on you?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

Win or loose we're always on the booze.

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
~ Marilyn Pittman

What is the answer?: [Silence]: In that case, what is the question?

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
~ Paula Poundstone

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
~ Rita Mae Brown

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there - Corkscrews, Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
~ Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Gosh.... I could be eating a slow learner.
~ Lynda Montgomery

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
~ Lily Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
~ Jerry Seinfeld

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
~ Lily Tomlin

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing, "This looks much better on." On what? On fire?
~ Marsha Warfield

Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
~ George Carlin

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
~ Mark Twain


Funny quotes, sad:

I am, Yet what I am Who knows.... I am the Self-Consumer of My Woes.
~ Fungus the Bogeyman

Putrefaction is the End, Of all that Nature doth Entend.
~ Herrick

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
~ Emo Phillips

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